5.05.2006

My Blah Mind

I don’t know if its just me but my mind is always chattering. Ceaselessly. Even as I type this post, I can hear my mind chiding me for the spelling mistakes I made : “It is not ceaselessly it is ceaselessly. Go back and correct it” and so on and so forth. I don’t think I have ever experienced complete silence. Even if there is no noise around me my mind is talking. I close my ears sometimes just to see if it stops. But it only increases as if cutting even the remotest of outside noise is like adding fuel to fire.

We had a teacher in my ninth standard who tried to teach us unruly bunch of kids the art of meditation. Mrs. Vasundhara Reddy. God bless her wherever she is. She was one of the best teacher-guides I have ever had. Her method was to light a candle in the fore front of the room. We had to look at the flame for 2 minutes and then close our eyes and concentrate and see the flame in our mind’s eye for ten minutes. What happened in my mind was completely different.

“Why dint I wear a sweater and come today? Am so dumb. Hey! Concentrate on that flame”

Or

“I wonder if it will rain today. Concentrate on the flame dearie. Yeah see that flame flickering. Concentrate. Concentrate” and so on and on.

Finally I learned to focus my mind on saying “Flame, flame, flame” so that I don’t feel exhausted after a meditation session :)

Seeing me sitting on my bed and looking out of the window for hours sometimes drove my mom nuts. She used to wonder whether I was normal. But for my mind it was the perfect thing to do. Sit for hours and chatter away with all those folds and nerve endings and gooey stuff.

Even now its telling me what to type next! I don’t like following instructions so am going to end it here. GRRRR

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